I was in quite a decent mood today. Payday, a few days from getting older....and I wasnt feeling too bad all around.

Then it crept into My head, filling My mind with ideas, and then the old urges returned. You know the ones. Depression can hit suddenly, or without warning. Well, I sat in the dark listening to music I KNEW would make Me feel worse then the tears came. So I sat in the dark feeling sorry for Myself, crying and just plain feeling really shitty.

I dont really know why I do it. Sometimes it just happens. That "Im better off dead" feeling. Despite all My own good advice, if I cant convince Myself of it, what good am I right? Fuck.

Do I blame the fried chicken I had for lunch? The warming weather? Now Im just looking for any reason other than the ones I already know. I read diary entries which I understand all too well. ive been there so many times, and even when I should be feeling grateful, alive...instead Im silently killing Myself in the dark.

I was thinking...

All this hurt I express, the sadism, the thoughts of idle violence stem from the shit I have been through. Those are My chosen weapons and that is where I draw My power from. My lack of compassion from. The need and desire to harm from. But I know Im a walking contridiction, because its also where I do get My mercy from, My selfless acts of kindness. Knowing I was in that position, and the least I could do is stop at least one act of evil from occuring.

My afternoon was spent dreaming of ways to write suicide notes to loved ones. Then trying to justify them as valid. I do this alot. In My head. Then I try and come back to reality, where Im not such a slug. Or things are more lucid and comprehensable. People care, want me around. Reality check, aisle two.

Right now Im feeling tainted by things I havent been able to do something about. Corrosive regrets always find the mark. Maybe thats why it hurts. Burning. Twisting tendrils of pain in your chest.

Do tears really wash away the bad?

If I dont have faitth in a god, the very least I should have faith in is Me....