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7:34 a.m. - 2004-03-25

Time to purge.....

Some things are inspired, sort of like poetry, music, art, drama. Dreams too are inspried, and when dreams inspire, they take the form of rambling slightly discernable lumps of literary crap like this:

I watched a movie late last night with My friend Charlie who happened to bring some cute little ditty I will call "28 days later", some of you might have seen it.

With that prize under My belt I dreamt the night away as usual only to wake with a bad taste in My mouth. And this is why....

When do socially unacceptable behaviors become rationalized, and valid working ideas? When.... do morals we find repulsive, turn to logical and selfish modes of survival? I mentioned purging at the start of this little note. Human beings purge things as a natural way of cleansing the body, and the mind. It has been mentioned to me that where the head goes, the ass follows. So be it.

Despite the gruesome nature of that cute fuzzy movie, I found a diffrent lesson in it. One I have often stared blank faced and saw the evil that is man. Something which really hits home for Me, and Im sick of it. So sick of it being there.

Our bodies are designed to clean out all bacteria, toxins, and refuse we as humans dont need. We piss, shit and puke these things out of our system. Those are generally involuntary actions. They are normal, and expected. However embarrasing when they occur in social gatherings.

Yes, thats pudding on My pants....

o_o

shaddap

When these cleansings arent automatic, when they become voluntary they have evolved into purging. Believe it or not, a diary is a purge. We are sometimes ridding our conciences to pen and paper, or in this case, pixels on a screen. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, pride and other things are triggers, but the result is usually the same. It needs to come out. We desperately need to be heard, or at least see what it is making us sick. Burn it later if you wish, or let others read it, we always manage to purge the shit from us. Well, here is a little personal purging.....and some concerns...

Socially disgusting behavior right? Rape, theft, murder, arson, torture. And those were from a movie. But what about My own morally sound and just standards? The moral majority I am not. I could never be that pure thing, as I have been tainted far too often by My own needs, longing, and lifestyles. Some forced upon Me, others discovered and embraced. Where do My ideals gain their validity? Where "I", draw the line? That question cannot be answered honestly. Any answer given would not be a lie, but wouldnt be the right answer. Because I simply dont know My limitations to all things. Murder? hell yes if I justify it to Myself. Theft? Im no stranger to taking things, although as Ive aged I dont do so anymore, but still....there were those fries from lunch which were conveniently lying there...

Rape? Well....Im not fit to judge where the line for right and wrong collide. Arson and torture? Arson no, not that i dont like flames but the torture is an ongoing process with Me. mental and physical influences I throw out like stones on the water, waiting for the ripples to form. Some will remember that little writing....some time ago from Me. Intimidation isnt a crime as far as I know, but maybe it should be. Threatening, and commiting acts of aggression should be as well. (I know they are, Im generalizing) Im guilty on all counts. Selfish behavior? Guilty. Some days I crave so much what I dont have I seek substitutions in my head. And damn My catholic unbringing I dont fear hell, but life filled with guilt over the very things I hate in people, are now in Me. I covet. When I look in the mirror its hard to find any good left, when all is said and done and what I do see are the wrongs I have committed and sit staring me in the face. I cant even meet My own standards. That is pitiful, and unacceptable. But Im afraid, and most likely will never change those things. As unacceptable it is, I will have to live with it. Be ashamed by it, and deny it till it most likely kills me somehow.

I guess I could use this diary as an example.

How many readers do I have who see what I write here? Currently, its 33. That number has fluctuated over time and I DO notice. Is it ego? Perhaps it is. Pride? Maybe. Is it wrong? To Me it is....

I would sit and stare at people growing up getting all the attention, when all I recieved is glares. Glaring for all references is technically "attention" but the kind which makes your stomach turn.

So when did I turn into the attention whore I am now? One of the many things I despized as a child. When someone tells me Im inspiring, or intrigueing. Hell....even slightly attractive several things are automatically in conflict. I dont take compliments well, and another part of Me revels in the slightest bit of attention. Opposing forces meeting head on. No My head doesnt explode....

sickos...

I feel as if I lead people on. My role in M/s is clear to Me. But often I feel the behaviors I express were at one time evil to Me. Does My naive flirting, which I know Im fucking guilty of.....make me a player of sorts? I would think yes, yes it does. Do I perhaps seek the attention I never recieved as a child? Ummmm...yes. So despite My humble opinions on many things I still seek the attention, and more importantly, respect I never was given. I need to be taken seriously. But a tthe same time, I crave the attention the female species can only provide me with.

*blushing* Im such a slut....tee hee

o_o

*ahem*

Its one the things I hate about Me. Especially when I love someone, and My mind thinks of someone I might have just seen seconds ago. Conflict. Being unable to deal with both sets of morals. Either loving someone who cant possibly love you back, or enjoy the brief, and fruitless world of flirting shamelessly. Oh the horror. Patrick My boy, there are only so many times you can make catholic school girls blush with abandon, before you realize you dont have a chance in hell.

*Ghost scowls back* I'll break your limbs for that one...

Part of me has the confidence of Man itself. The other is the overly sensitive bag of fuzz which watches kittens playing. AWwwww......shaddap.

o_o

I have to go to work now. DOnt pity Me. As much as I love hearing from people, I will resist the urge this time to read comments. It will only reinforce poor behavior on My part.

More shameless props.....

Fuck Im so unorigional....

0 people who actually read this crap

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