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1:53 a.m. - 2004-03-18

I need to ramble a little here...

People ask the heavens "why am I here?" seeking answers for questions they havent even asked yet.

Answers to such questions, can come from within. As time has passed I have come to terms with many painful things I have seen as limitations. Where thses limits end, possibilities begin. For instance:

How many people stress over where they are going in their lives? I cant do this, because......I know I will never be able to do this because.......all excuses we make to justify the limits we, not anyone else has put on us. Guilt is a powerful motivator, or, a anchor...keeping us from floating up above all the shit we deal with. Im not saying bend the laws of physics, but step out of your skin for just a moment. Take a look at what you have around you. Does what you see seem meager? Does it? This doesnt pertain to material wealth. I am referring to the intangible bounty of your very being. What have you done for yourself lately? I know that I am far from ideal. Never going to be the picture of perfect I see in My mind. But you know what, if I had a dime for everytime someone told Me Im so wonderful, or they cant believe someone like Me is out there....I would be wealthy. And something else.....hearing those things is what makes me wealthy. People see me far diffrently than I see Myself. Coincidence? Sarcasm? So many people cant be all wrong. Even in the depths of doubt and rumor there is always an element of truth, no matter how unbelievable the odds. I have taught Myself to look past the visible world, and see the value of who someone is. And its the same for all of us.

Im going to beat a dead horse, messy, but relevant. We are our own worst critics. I cannot count the times I have nearly erased all I was becuase the sight of Myself was so sickening, it needed to be done for the good of mankind. Self hate, is a disease. This isnt a cure....the things I say. But Im hoping it might be a wake up. A break in the clouds. A hand to hold onto when the lights go out, and you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.

No one person really knows who they are. No one really knows what thier destiny is on Earth. I walk steps each day just trying to make a mark somehow. There is a purpose for Me.....even if I dont know what it is. But I can tell you, despite the constant depression, and darkness....Im so anxious to learn what it is. Do I save lives? Stand in front of a group and speak to them, teaching them something which changes their life? Become the father to the child who cures cancer.......I dont know. Or maybe its simpler. To love those around Me.....and make their lives brighter. For as dark as I am inside...there is a light dying to get out.

I sometimes feel like there is untapped potential inside Me. Things I almost feel compelled to do. I cant be the only one. But we are afriad to try. To let ourselves take those steps towards the unknown. Instead we see others making those steps ahead of us. Those are the champions we see everyday. The heros.

There is a passion inside each of us.....desperately searching for a path. When this passion isnt embraced, we die a little. We fail to see our own self worth. Or we merely forget it, when we are feeling particularly vulnerable, and weak. Multiple mishaps, shortcomings, mistakes. We feel overwhelmed. Lost. I am the king of lost. Ask anyone who knows me....

Ive written letters to people before. And they comment on how smart I sound, or how much sense I make. Truth be known Im not as smart as some, and dumber than most. I am a student of the human element. I am awed at the power of people. Young and old. Boy or girl. Man or woman. We are always evolving, but in this evolution...this changing we are always forced to take the same steps to learn who it is we are. In other words....feeling lost, regretful, dead inside isnt a new phenomenon. And it never will be. Time is the great teacher, the great healer, and the great equalizer. I think when I finally figure "life" out, I will near the end anyway. Life is exploration, trials, and failings. We WILL make mistakes. We WILL stumble as we walk. Its learning from these which will ensure it doesnt happen again. Chance is a funny thing. It can give, and it can take away just as easily.

Love....

such a beautiful word.....

and a cruel one....

Nom matter the problems in our life, if we are in love with someone, all those other things simply disapear from view. Such is the joy we feel it is only bested by the crash we can expect when it disapears. It is an addiction. A cruel addiction. Humanbeings need to be loved. To feel needed. Cared for. If you have never truely been in love, I pity you....

If you have been in love and lost it, You have felt what it is to be whole. Unconditional love. It has no boundaries, no exceptions. I have had that....and I being the type of man I am, never stop loving someone. My love is unconditional. Even if I am hurt, I always fogive those in My heart. As they will always be innocent to Me.

Such a devotion can be intimidating. Scary. Few people experience what it means to have someone totally devoted to them. They are skeptical, or jaded and hold onto that last shred of doubt, and it tears at them. Love shouldnt hurt. It sets you free...

But, if this love is not reciprocated....it becomes a poison. It is for Me. If you have been betrayed.....lied to......heart tore out, and forgotten. There is no greater pain. There is no future, and we cant see past our noses. We cant breathe. Think. We arent alive anymore. And the cold fingers of death promise no more pain. It isnt a promise, its a lie....

For where one love dies, another will indeed finds its place. Even when it seems all hope has died. You are a survivor. A casualty of life. Then the rest of the worlds obligations come crahing down. They were always there, we merely overlooked them. You CAN do this.....you can make it another day, and another. I have. Im still alive.

Part of me wishes I could take the pain from everyone. I indeed would bear the burden of the world if I could. It couldnt be greater than the burdens I have laid on My shoulders before. Somedays...I think that is My purpose. A shield. I am a shield. When people I care for suffer....I suffer with them. I love people, so I can love Myself. I share in their misery becauses its where I have always been. Dont give up where many have succeeded. There is always a way. And someone, even if its one person....will always be there for you. Even sadists, can have compassion. Even the darkest of men can have mercy. I only seek to punish those who deserve it....

Why again, I rambled...so late at night, when I should be sleeping....*sighs* I know why. Because I know it was the right thing to do.

Goodnight..

UPDATE: (in response to a comment)

I am a walking condradiction sometimes. I dont seem dark until somone looks at Me the wrong way and I feel the urde to snap their fingers. Or some random vision of someone fills My head with inpure ideas and all I can do is chuckle. I dont discuss the illness I consider sadism to be here. If all I worte of was violence, it would seem all I thought of was violence. But I dont, thankfully...so I do write what I feel here. Luckily I am full of amny things, many sources I can draw from. So I can be the immovable rock, supportive, when times are tough because Im a force of nature baby when Im pissed. Then there is the side I dont always shopw people EVERYDAY. No one outside of online reads this diary. I couldnt face those people knowing they have read any of this. There are guys at wrok, who have seen me in all forms. They still fear me even though I consider them friends. Ive come to expect this, and now I simply embrace it. Fear is a tool when properly used. And My parents are sure thankful that tool is used with common sense, and not like some idiot shooting people from overpasses. And I am a blond.....beware world.....

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