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5:31 p.m. - 2004-03-11

Oh boy this ought to be interesting....

The morning being the most profound of the days events, I will start with work. Limping around aint kool. I couldnt do shit without wincing every time I moved. The day progressed slowly, I did what I could, the only excitement worth mentioning took the form of a 115lb 18 year old oriental "punk" I will call him. James I believe his name was. Well james....is a stupid boy. He tried to steal something from our store, and was caught. Of course I was asked to help witness the procedeings. Go Me.

He was told not to lie, and it will be a short process. Guess what james did........yep...he lied. Then he was on his knees, cradling the leg of the security manager like he was begging for life itself. I wasnt convinced. He had the choice to not steal in the first place....lied about his home....and was nearly arrested....even though he should have been. Poor james...living in a catholic halfway house for troubled teens, his parents disowned him because he was a problem, and wanted us to cut him some slack....

o_o

Pay the price dear boy.....and shut your lips....you knew better.

Ok now for the deep mystical shit....

I woke up this morning, and I felt really moved I guess I could say. My last dream was of me, My brother, and one of My closest friends. We were driving in some sort of a utility vehicle, like a jeep with no top. Up, up a hillside to a lookout point where a old couple lived. I remember I was feeling depressed, regretful but at the same time accepting. It appeared I had some terminal disease and was trying to come to terms with My own mortality. it was perhaps a early fall day. This old couples yard was strewn with debris, and for reasons unknown I began to rake thier yard, and they saw me from a window and came out to watch. My brother, and My friend asked Me why I was doing this, and I think My reply was "it needed to be done".

Well the old couple came out, asking why I was raking thier yard clean. I told them My reasons, adding that I knew I was going to die very soon. I didnt want to leave this world, not having tried My best to live completly, and without regrets. That I would also miss doing such simple things as raking leaves.

The old woman began to cry, and I think I remmeber she told me thier son died not so long ago, and he used to rake thier yeard like I was.

Thats when I woke up.

it really did a number on Me....

it made me think, have I really done what I need to so when My times does finally come, I can leave at peace? As much as Ive been depressed, and in My own hell, I fear death. For as painful as it can be, it can also be the greatest gift/mistake/chance we get. Not all living creatures get to experience the world as we do. No matter how dire our life is, we have it better than most. And when we die, we take with us a lifetime of memories. That means something. Dying before your ready, how would you spend your last days, hours, minutes? In My dreams I spent them raking a old couples leaves....

who knew...

I felt as if it was a message to them through me that the spirit of thier sons love for them, lived on somehow. Im not a religious man, but spiritually speaking, if it meant that My spirit lives on, then I wont really die. Conforting thought.

maybe more if I remember...

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