Moreso than usual.

There are so many things eating away at My brain right now its making sleep impossible. My eyes feel dry, and burn. But not from something in them, but from lack of sleep.

Being technical, "yesterday" sucked major ass. On many levels, and for many reasons. I saw things I didnt want to see, I heard things I didnt want to hear, and the lack of sleep compounded those bad things and made me quite cranky. I said things I didnt think I would say. It affected My entire action/reaction mindset.

I believe in the ripple effect. Some would say the "butterfly effect" because of that fucking movie. But the ripple effect is ages old. To drop a stone on a calm lake (action/words) then watch as the ripples make their wayand stike objects far away. Ripples bounce off of things, and places. Those ripples in My mind, are reactions to said words/actions. And they always find thier way back to where they came from. Right in your face. Dont drop the stone, unless your prepared for it to come back to you....

How people react to stress, is symbiotic to how they perchive the world around them. Your emotions, are usually involved in making decisions and reacting to things around you. Feelings and emotions can be symbolized as glasses. They filter reality and show us a new picture. if we are in a happy mood, we will react diffrently to something whereas if we are mad, upset or angry one could expect a completely diffrent reaction. This being true....

Beer goggles distort visual reality.

emotional glasses, distort percieved reality.

Something we might see could be the most innocent of details. But to someone wearing hurtful, painful memories such a display could rip the very guts in their belly.

I was quite angry today....

I know I have mentioned this before. So many things on My mind. Employee evaluations are going to be done soon at work. *sighs and lowers his gaze before resuming* I can only "imagine" what they will say about a outspoken, sadist who says perhaps a little too much, and maybe in their eyes does too little. Whoever won the $230 million, as dispicable this is.....I hope they die on the way to the bank....

There are things I want to say....need to say, but cant. Those ripples dont need to be there. They shouldnt be. I am keeping the surface of the lake calm. Its hard to not act. Speak out, or do something about how I feel. The past few years have changed Me so much. I used to be so shy, and would never speak out. I just dont care anymore.......or maybe....now I actually do care. Which brings me to another ripple....

travis, you child. I wish you could understand how I see you as a person. How immature you must be. Im sure in your own head you thought you were "helping" but in reality, you little shit.....you only made me realize one thing. Your ignorant. Someday, your going to say the wrong thing, to someones face, and they will crush it with a rock. I will then fingerpaint on the street with your blood. You are one of those clueless indeviduals for lack of understanding, or emotional development that your "mommy and daddy" couldnt give you, has made you lash out at perfect strangers like some mindless child and think thats the way it is. Your right, and Im wrong. Some would say Im wasting My time writing this crap, but I see it as an oppertunity, to teach a lesson. If no one else will, whats the harm in trying. Pottery? Flyfishing? And you called me boring? Your either a child travis, or college educated.....

college doesnt make you stupid, just the lack of common sense. No death threats from college students will be tolerated......or you will join travis in a unmarked grave.....

Where was I.....oh yes......

Having changed so much these years, ive learned how to deal with things better than I did before. I can see it now, people thinking I speak of violence as if it were a hobby and I think this is progress? Two things.....one: it is a hobby....two: when I was younger I would keep it all locked inside and then suddenly lash out. Would you rather hear the storm coming, or have it hit you suddenly? You cant have your cake and eat it too. I embrace the inner sadist, that little demon dryhumping the insides of My brain and wanting to get out. Sometimes its theraputic to piss gasoline onto a fire. Cant have smores without fire right? MMMmmmm, smooooores......

getting off track again...

So yes, Im much more easily understood and not as closed off to the world. The diffrence between Me and a serial killer is I have self control. I dont lash out unless you are asking for it, and by asking I mean begging......and when I mean begging I mean your either mouthing off at innocent people, or poking a stick into some poor persons open wounds. keep your hands and mouth to yourself stupid persons......I can see you.

Where Im actually going with this, I dont know, did I say what I needed to to get some sleep? No. There is always something in the forefront, which cant be ignored like creditors nagging on the phone. The what ifs, the should'ves, the could'ves. And the might never bes. Those suck ass people.