I woke up late for work, the alarm seemingly broken and Im cursing My tired eyes, and scrambling to get dressed. I couldnt even call work, to tell them. I was so ashamed of Myself. It progressed from there. Too many customers, one Me. Nothing but complaints, pain in My body and shitty weather. I hate getting wet and having to live in wet clothes. it seems Im getting sick again. Im sore, choking when I breathe, and stuffy. I thought it couldnt get worse.....wrong again. My lunch dumped all over the floor, and I threw the container. I just didnt care anymore. Thank you for shitting on me yet again fate. Fuck you.....

Ive had 8 hours sleep in the past three days. And Im wearing thin. Doing a favor for a co worker, I built his home gym over a 4 hour period last night after work. Soreness shortly followed, and it remained all day today. Its making me a very cranky individual.

Despite time, and circumstances. My feelings havent changed. They are just as potent as they have always been. The reality that they are unwanted hasnt escaped me, and its hard to fight them on a daily basis. For Me, its impossible to ever think diffrently. To feel diffrently, and to want anything but what I have expressed. But I wont speak of it. Despite the need to scream it out, I have kept My silence. Denied My thoughts to others. Some have asked, but I have said nothing. They know.

Things havent been going My way, late payments, being late, shitty days, sleepless nights. All I have is My constant dreaming of things I dont have. Little consolation, more like teasing. I cannot stop what Im doing to Myself. it is as I have said.....a endless cycle of depression. Few would understand. Even fewer have seen the tears in My eyes as proof of My sincerity. The very windows which show many things, about Me, and about how I feel. I am cursed. Cursed to feel, to think and to know. But mostly.....to remember.....and regret not having the happiness so many take for granted. The peace of mind to not feel the coldness of being alone. being the outcast. Being unwanted by those around you. Been there, have a drawer full of shirts I will never wear. Shame keeps them hidden. Shame keeps alot of things hidden.