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7:11 a.m. - 2003-12-29

I dont have much time.

My morning ritual, showering was extraordinarily brutal this morning. Thoughts wise. See, in the midst of scrubbing, and shampoo I do some of My biggest thinking of the day, AND the nights dreams. This morning made me sick to My stomach. I had a conversation in My head which would make anyone crawl in a hole. It hurt alot. parts were like walking a tightrope. And the strain on My nerves was as real as if it were happening in real life. My dreams reflect My genuine emotions. often when Im daydreaming, or doing some deep thinking, I sort of "act out" some of the things going on in My head. EVen the violent ones. its not uncommon to see me pacing at work, ready to rip heads off. Its not hard to get Me worked up. Simply push the right buttons......

Few people deserve to suffer at My hands. People who for reasons which I wont speak of, I feel the overwhelming desire to see suffer. Its selfish. And unreasonable in most cases My wants and desires, but I still want them, secretly deep inside Myself.

" ": I want this persons body to rot from deep inside them. And then I will stomp thier guts out.

I wont say names. There are things in My head, which will never be said. The same is for other people I know, but these are My secrets. My wants. They taunt Me. Fullfilling them might be the only way to make them go away.

Is talking to people you care for, supposed to be like walking on eggshells? One wrong word, and they will never speak to us again?

Ive heard many things in My life. from many diffrent sources, in differing circumstances. Time has proven them to be breakable truths. They become lies, all by themselves. Those are some of the things which also hurt most.

"we will always be friends"

This one...........I hate this one. Its like watching a bridge suddenly fall away. Even if you hardly know this person. I know deep inside, it wont be true. Human nature garuntees this... and Ive yet to see it disproven.

"you can never upset me"

If I had a dime for each time this has been said to Me, and then a penny for each time I knew it wasnt true, Id be a wealthy man. People say things, most often when they really do mean them "at the moment" but for reasons I dont know this statement always seems to fall away. Actions, or lack thereof has been My proof of this one.

I feel like puking. My stomach is in knots, and I dont think it will go away anytime soon. People I have met in My life, vanishing. And I am powerless to do anything. Regret, something Ive often described in entries before is My worst fear. Having to face reality, with no recourse for correction. To "what if" scenarios to death. Would've, should've, could've. Didnt. That is My crimes for which I am guilty. regret, is that constant reminder I screwed up, and My loss is someone elses gain. Regret is also a reason I hate some people. And they dont even know I wish pain and suffering on them. Such a selfish person I am.....

Its times like these......I wish My hole were deeper.

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