I slept for 14 hours last night.

I worked 9am to 11pm Wed night, Early 8am to 4pm Thursday.....and promptly fell asleep when I came home around 4:45 pm. Things have been slow, and I havent been doing as much thinking as usual. Perhaps Ive been in thinking denial.....and have excluded Myself from the population that used their braincells in the past few days.

I come home tonight, to get a call from My mom. My father is being admitted into the hospital for pnuemonia. Just what I needed. he is diabetic, and allergic to most types of antibiotics. I drove the hour to see him and they seem hopeful for a rapid recovery. I was told he might remain there for a few days....and I think that would be best. But it still sucks.

Car is still fucking up, and the warranty is about to expire.....surprize, surprize, surprize.......but its being looked into.

My dreams have been troubled lately. They are lonely dreams, and regretful ones. Odd visions. And I cant finish them. For some reason they refuse to follow through, and I keep reliving the same things over and over. Its quite disturbing.

Out of sight, out of mind.

"_ ____ ____ ________, __ ___."

It hurts. Alot. Denying it only makes it worse for Me. Thinking about it well......we wont go there. I like being vague, actually I want to scream the things I want to say, but cant. Things are fighting to break free from My lips, and I bite down hard. Ive always said, " I always know more than I let on to" and its something I know is true. Some things dont have to be said. Actions being what they are, they speak far louder than any word could. So when I feel like ripping My skin and flesh off, I deny Myself that sort of release, and instead push it down, like I always did as a child. its one of the reasons I became what I have. Its also the reason I hate Myself so much, well not hate as much as regret, and resent sometimes. To hate oneself......doesnt sound so far fetched. Tons of people have the same problem. its dealing with it, where the greatest losses and wins might take place. I know Ive lost. if I had won I wouldnt have tried to die so many times. Ok, next topic.....

Did I mention I really suck sometimes? melodrama isnt something I like, nor feel I partake in, its more self pity than anything. And I am not the only guilty one who does it, so I better not get any pissy comments about how I should just cheer up. Fuck you, optimist.....

When I was at the hospital tonight, I was in the waiting room and you could hear distinct yelling coming from the mental ward doors just to the end of the corridor.

"help........help me.......help...."

over and over.....a mans voice. ive been in that ward. More than once. I didnt yell like he did. But many do. it takes alot to go there. Even more to put yourself there. Its like giving up, something I have done quite a few times. But is going there by choice, giving up? Or is it striving for more? I was always confused by the logic in that.

Fuck, Im not making any more sense......and I should shut up now.