I had terrible dreams last night, they started as soon as My head hit the pillow. Dreams can be quite evil. They know all your secrets, and tell you things even you didnt know or realize before. Well they visited me last night. You cant crawl away from your mind. The mind can be a double edged sword of sorts........the only thing keeping you sane, or the devils advocate, poking you in the ribs with an ice pick. I could slide onto a nice sharp spike right about now, it would slip right in, no sweat. And I doubt I would feel anything diffrent than Im feeling right now. But its slower, and I dont die. So once again Im the victim of teasing.

Ive never had anyone pray for me to die before. There is as they say, a first for everything. Such whimsical tidbits of knowledge and wisdom. Like when your looking for something, and its always going to be in the last place you look. No shit.

Some things are hard to find, and unlike inanimate objects.....are elusive and hide themselves. So no matter where you look, it isnt anywhere to be found. Usually it takes the help of someone else to find it for us. Because we cannot see it for ourselves.

I ate a whole bag of sunflower seeds. One by one. And I dont eat sunflower seeds. It was a nervous/pensive tick, and I did it to occupy My hands, and My mind. Always better than squeezing off a few rounds.....or playing with too sharp a knife.....especially a knife....as one can easily visualize it entering skin, then deeper still its stained red.

Blood flows like liquid candy...

Im not going to quote philosophy, or go off interpriting natures reasons for showing me things that it does. Sometimes Im drawn to try and write inspirational words, so people know how I feel, or write things in a mental brain dump, miserable and twisted feelings which make Me want to do immoral acts of violence. Its a sickness I assume. Clinical depression.....was what they told Me. The doctors, in their white coats, blank stares, and expensive shoes. I had a patient bracelet, they had freedom. I was drugged, they had cake for lunch. Bastards.

I was also told, I wasnt officially diagnosed....so it wouldnt haunt Me later. I could hold jobs, without people questioning My sanity, or My decisions. Where they right to do this? I dont know.....Im in denial everyday. I hide from the truth staring Me in the face about a great many things, and I simply try to deny them. As if they didnt excist, or had no effect on Me as long as I denied they are there. The only one Im fooling, is Myself. Things I see, are there. Some in black and white.....yet I make excuses in My head, and sometimes I even whisper them out loud. When Im feeling particularly savage, or brutalised.....I invision wretched things being done.....either to Me...or others who have somehow found their way into My head. When I am like this. I am a force of nature. mans will, bent on a particular destiny, cannot be denied its potency. I will do things, when I say I will. Its effect on others wasnt calculated in these acts, as they are the most selfish of things I allow Myself. I allow Myself the ability to dream the impossible, before I let reality come back and stab Me in the chest over and over again.

The heart can only feel. The mind can only envision. Often they are not on the same page, so when one shows us something we like, we rejoice. But when things turn.....there is nowhere to hide, and the pain begins. Both the heart and mind are capable of pain.....ideas forever being played out to the regret of the viewer, or the chest....straining, crying out for it to all stop, and it doesnt. *sighs* I wish it could all make sense.

Why am I forced to see things? Things I know are happening, but only in My head. There is no amount of sugar, that can make the bitterest of pills go down any easier than some we make for ourselves. My parents taught Me long ago. "The truth will set you free". And I didnt realize how true a statement it would become till much later in life. After I had experienced all the things I had growing up, and getting older. Im still growing up. I havent stopped. Im still elarning new things, and getting more intuitive about how things are around Me.

But that doesnt take away the need to make it all stop now and again. Or at the very least, the thought.