I cant sleep, and My head is swirling. I sense a self distruct coming, and Im waiting for it. Cryptic messages wrritten out/played out in My head. I find Myself screaming out loud, tossing and turning. I clench My teeth, even now as I write this. It doesnt matter....

"Once upon a time...."

Ive seen alot of things in My life. Some good, some bad. Ive watched people with My eyes as they go through the motions of life. Im on the outside looking in. I have been in this position before......this frame of mind......it always turns out bad. Bad, bad, bad. I see things.

Something is happening, I know it is.

I can feel Myself shutting down, sliding down into that downward spiral. Im changing, again. Passing another point of no return as these words fly past on the keyboard its happening. Vague, secret things. Things I see, and feel taking place without them being seen.

"there once was a man...."

This is My curse. I am bound to it, as My spine is fused into My body. Cursed to think too much. Cursed to destroy Myself before I fall into the abyss. Im still in My hole. But things have changed.....I have changed. I no longer want to see the light anymore. Ive washed My hands of the whole affair. I ramble now, tired, and crouched over this fucking piece of technology. tapping with two fingers, hoping they would be talons, and I could rip the flesh from Myself with them, but they are not, so I cannot. Why do I say these things? Because I am Me. The cursed one. I want My head to stop. I dont want to think anymore. Let the numbness come and comfort me in the dark. Pins and needles, then nothing. Like falling asleep.

I will never understand why I do the things I do. How I come up with the things I do. Dealing with life, and shit, sucks. We especially hate dealing with our own shit. Im ashamed to say I am too sensitive. I open Myself too much to problems, and things out of My control and make them My own demons. They pick at My skull you know.

Times like these make you question your reality, and the purpose of the space you take up, and air you inhale. Why did someone give me life. They were teasing me, werent they. This is the big joke. And Im not laughing. I look around and all I see is things which hurt me somehow. All kinds of things. Things we all face everyday, but for Me they are diffrent. They dig a little deeper than they should. Remain longer than they should. And I sometimes.......over analyze than I should. But......sometimes..... it becomes justified, and knowing is more hurtful than being condemned to a coma. The end is near, too many things have come to visit me. Fairy tales are safer than real life.

GOG, is starting to slowly shut down.

The holidays are exceptionally hard on Me. Ever since.....

Monica. She found me online, oblivious to her constant searching. Mutual aquiantances told her who I was. This was right after the military, and shortly after I bought this computer. Through some trickery on her part, and those around me, we met. I cant believe I was baited, and let to her like some sucker. She was indeed fetching in her behavior. She admitted she had kids of her own. A boy, and a girl. In a bad relationship with their father, abused all her life, and miserable. I seem to have a soft spot for those in distress. I fell in love with her. We did eventually meet. She became pregnant, and thats where things started changing. A few months past. Live was stressful. She missed me, I missed her. And despite My financial troubles I managed to put Myself further in debt by buying her nice things, so she would feel so bad. We lost the baby. She blamed herself, I didnt. Soon after the baby died, I saw a change in her. She grew distant. Quiet. Selfish, and angry. The slightest question from me brought a tirade of accusations. I suspected more. Christmas eve. 2001. I called her. A man answered. They were in bed together. I asked why. "Why not?" was the reply. I cried, they laughed. The end.

Trina. I was in dire straights. Money was nowhere to be found, and I was miserable. And not just because of Monica either. Trouble and misery just seem to find Me all too easily. Trina too found Me. In a current relationship where her man was cheating, and abusive. Again, I supported her because no one else would. We too became friends, then it progressed. I was after some time to move to be with her. I quit My job, and times were beginning to be rough for her. Her step father, and mother....were sueing her. When family sues family, it is never good. She closed herself off. Blamed Me for being insensitive, and never spoke to Me again. Well....needless to say I went somewhere.....few know where.....and I wont repeat it here.

Life deals Me strange hands. Failed job offers. More than I care to count. Stock broker, the commute and lack of money made it a failing attempt. Security specialist. That too was offered, and never given. Im promised too much, and then its taken away. Sometimes I feel Im overextending Myself, on many things... trying too hard to succeed. And when I come up short....the first person I blame is Myself. As do many other people. My life is short choppy incoherent sentences vaguely admitting shortcomings in non poetic rambling designed to hint, but never to give away all. I can be quite the pity case when I dont want to be, cant I. Pity party, table for one, in the hole.

Failed relationships. More than I mentioned here. Failed jobs. Little friends who even care that I breathe. But I dont forget the ones who do. More so than family, they mean the most to Me, and for good reason. Family, unlike friends, are by tradition, or obligation bound to care for someone. hey, its the "blood is thicker than water" syndrome. Friends are the opposite. They choose to be in our company. make the time to develop friendships with us, and make us feel special. Best friends, are our greatest treasures. We confide in them. COme to their aid, and them ours. Some are lucky enough to marry their best friend. So, to those who find themselves in My good graces, are special indeed. cared for, thought of daily, and looked upon. Despite My shortcomings, I care deeply for people close to me. Some dont really know how deep those feelings can be sometimes, and if they do find out, it is usually too much for them to handle. I am bound by My own will, to be so obsessively protective, and unselfish when it comes to them. Friends, loved ones, family. They are all I have, and the only things which justify My life. they are the only ones who would care if I wasnt here, and would talk of me hopefully fondly, if I passed. How they see Me, is what I think of most. Ideas of granduer are no where to be seen. I know they wont come true. I want the simple things. But even those seem to always slip out of My grasp, and Im left clinging to nothing. Despite My efforts. I try too hard to please. I ask too many questions, in My constant search for understanding of the things around Me. Sometimes I get an answer, be it good or bad, and its those answers, which let me see the unknown. Years of such thinking, has made me who I am today. From being the silent one in the corner, watchign everyone, and everything, to the man people would avoid because he was diffrent. I developed this sixth sense. And I hate it. it talks to Me, and never shuts up. Its this very sense which allows Me to peer into the minds of those close enough to feel My prescence. it doesnt take long before people realize I do have some odd powers. Are they deduction? Reasoning? Logic? Perhaps. I walk in the shoes of everyone. Many miles. I feel what they feel. I see what they see. And sometimes.....it hurts. I am the product of abuse, and neglect, and lies. Broken promises, and leaps of faith. the fallen son, and th bringer of good tidings. Some see me as a good man. A sweet man, and dare I say it, adorable. Others see the demon. The bastard hiding with a sick little grin on his face. They dont trust him. yet some can, and do, and they let him inside their life, and it changes him. I crave contact, yet crawl into the darkness when seemingly things get harder. Old feelings die hard, and sometimes we all need to hide. Shut down.

I am nearing something unknown. A turning point. Fear fills My mind. I know the answer, but refuse to believe it. Compounded by all the shit I go through, and more importantly, the shit people I care for, go through. Im no savior, but I would gladly put Myself in their place if I thought it would make all the bad things go away. I want so much for the bad things to go away.

*looks into the blackness of night*

I can feel you. See you in My head. I am unsure. Confused and feeling alone. Im tired of people running away from Me.

How do I stop them from running away? Either by fear, or from loving me too much. Evolution cannot help Me. Life will only prove to be more difficult if I deny all the things that I am, in sake of changing. We cannot change who we are, just how we live. But to change how we live, we need to understand why we live. And what we want from it. Knowing this and making strides to get there is the challenge. And I seem to be falling short every time. it needs to end. it will end.