Im having one of those "I want to crawl into a hole" days. My family, mainly my mother has no idea who I am, or why I do the things I do. I cannot change, and she never sees things My way. She has her own way of looking at the world, and its always closed minded. Yeah, I know she loves Me. But....

She doesnt understand Me at all. My dad tries. He really does, but he loves My mom, and Me and is caught in the middle most times. She looks to him for support. So I feel guilty when she rips into me about something, and I argue with her. She twists things I say around, and it infuriates me to no end. She can push buttons on Me she didnt know excisted. My mother lovees drama, even though she denies it. or she wouldnt watch all those reality shows, or soap operas. I know My mom isnt the smartest of people, and she too suffers from low self esteem. It seems to be genetic. She thinks I dont love her. She thinks I dont respect her. She thinks I think she is stupid. None of which are true, but she will never understand that. She refuses to. And that too, pisses me off. I can never please her.....she is My mom. I will always love her. But I like My father, have difficulty sometimes in showing that love. My father is a man, who only says the words "I love you" to his wife. Not his kids, or any other family member. He does it so she knows he means it. he rarely ever looses his temper, and is like a emotional rock sometimes. Im like that. We care, just sometimes dont show it, or seem incapable of it. men in My family, are loners.

Im closer to My dad now more than ever. We seem to have a understanding, without talking. It used to be the oposite, when I was growing up. Mom was the one we looked to. Before I understood what life was about. When I still played by myself with My toys, or outside with sticks and rocks. Im a grown man. Set in My ways, and to change the way I act, would be next to impossible. Partly because I dont want to change. Life made me what I am today. There is a reason I do the things I do. I speak a certain way because of the way I have lived. Mom accuses the military....of "stealing her baby". Ive changed. I know I have.

I hate being the target of her unhappiness. And knowing I am partially to blame for it, I crave being away. Alone, so I can rot. SO Im not some burden anymore. No longer a parasite taking up space in their home. Because it was never really mine to begin with. There are many times I wished I was never born. Or so far away I wouldnt matter to anyone, not even a second thought My way. it would be simpler then. Some dark cave somewhere. Maybe a basement, sufficiently dark, and cold. There I will live and know what it means to not be a mistake to those around Me. Maybe there.....I will be happy.