8:01 p.m. - 2003-11-12

Words which meant so much, words I read for comfort, are now gone. I dont know where they went, and I wont bother looking for them. They werent Mine to keep. Maybe other things will disapear soon. Erasing memories. Oh god that hurt... Im tired. Im alone. Im miserable. Im tired of denying how I feel. Im tired of protecting everyone, except Myself. And to those I want to protect, it seems I cant do that anyway. Im at a loss. I dont understand things anymore. Too many mixed signals all around Me. One minute I have control, a grip on reality. The next Im being ran over by insecurities, and things I cannot understand. I have new music, in the form of two new shiney discs in My dirty little paw. They arent helping. My new tattoo, only cries out for more to join it. Im searching the internet for runes, kanji, anything I can that will change My fortunes. My body will become a symbol of one mans need for more in life. I dont know if it will help, but I will still try. People I see, bother Me. Im angered looking at them. They seem snobby to Me. Uptight, and prudish. I want to kill them all. Slow lingering deaths, I have seen them. As in My dreams lately, there have been visions of disturbing thoughts being played out for My amusement. I should be troubled by it, and Im not. Quite possibly because people suck. And I want them to rot. Im jealous of them. They have things I do not. They dont suffer as I do. And I hate them for it. I really am a Ghost. Like a mist, I am vanishing. No longer am I the flesh and blood I was born to be, but a shadow of a man who has given himself over to other forces, and I do not care anymore. It hurts to say, as I know I care......but I dont know what else to think, or feel. Everything around Me......sucks. Work is becoming a chore. Even things I had looked forward to, forgotten. What else is there? Hedonism. maybe I will indulge in things. Physical pleasure is My only escape. Bittersweet as it is. I think I will get drunk now.

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