its fucking cold.

It was 26 degrees last night, woithout windchill factored in. The house is poorly insulated, we have run out of oil for heat and hot water, and Im wriggled in a sleeping bag. Too cold to jerk off. Fingers and toes are quite unhappy in the 45 degree temps in the house......and there is no relief in sight yet.

*closes eyes and dreams of past memories*

It feels like I was just there, and I caught Myself smiling. Despite the cold, I want to think of non frigid thoughts. To revel in the warmth I had at My fingertips. I was so happy then. I knew these are the times which laid ahead and I didnt want to forget the happiness and contentment I had. I made them part of Me.

Even when Im feeling like the world is against me (which it is) I want to be the optimist. Especially if the payoff is worth the effort. All My sacrificing, and patience will pay off. Thats the reward, and the satisfaction knowing I was strong in doing so. Days are passing. Slowly but they do pass with each daybreak, and sunset. Spoke to My friend in Florida last night. Talked of possibilities, and future events. Also spoke of possible shortcomings. If what I have planned for, fails.....I have a alternate plan unfolding in My brain. I will go north instead. Regardless of outcomes, I am making steps. So in the near future, I will actively seek employment in both directions. Send a resumje here and there. It cant hurt. Only bring Me that much closer to what I ultimately want. And Im ok with that. Change.

A Price must be paid to the bringers of good fortune or oppertunity. Homage which doesnt have to be recognized, like some do as we watch them praying to god and jesus. I dont do either. Why I even bother to look back towards the sky, when something good or bad happens can only be explained thusly: tradition, and schooling. Its what I was taught when I was very little, and its hard to forget those lessons, or fel the guilt rising when I know I have done something My elders would deem wrong. But it doesnt stop Me for long, I do move forward. Life is too short to live in regret, or fear of a "compassionate god" a "loving god" who we were supposed to be lead openly by. Its too fantastic...... too out there. Faith keeps Men bound to the will of an invisible mystery. One who in My mind has fallen short one too many times. Some would say those are the works of Satan. What-ever....

I honestly done believe in either. Although Satan is a snazzy dresser.... some things just dont make sense. I cant sit there and watch people twitch, or raise thier hands and praiseing the ceiling without feeling some pity for the silliness I am watching. Religion is a man made tool. We want to believe there is a purpose for all things. its comforting to us, to feel loved, when we are alone. That there is something better to shoot for when we die. The reward for living a good life is heaven. But more often than not I see religious types casing more problems then they solve. To Me....the shock will be theirs to enjoy when they actually find they were wrong all their lives. They will die and rot, like everything else. Living, is the ultimate reward. I wont ever forget that lesson. One taught in a cruel place, and one I dare not repeat.

Despite the talk of blocks, spikes, blankets, or the cold. Im only interested in one thing. making My life better, by getting closer to share My life with another. Period. Everything else will be worked out as I go along. All I can do, is try to live the best I can, and die a happy(er) man. I will indulge the things others see as wrong. Share My feelings and beliefs to those who would lsiten, and let them decide for themselves.

(and then a random IM from "pain boy" looking for a sadist to perform severe CBT on him starts asking questions)