Often times I will wish to feel the stickyness of the blood of the masses unfortunate enough to piss Me off, for me to wish harm on them.

Im a lover....

Endless flirt, shy, and stubborn, I try hard to gain the attention of those I have My eye on. And once I do, I rarely let go....unless beaten off with a sufficeintly large club.... o_O O_o

Im a moron....

My stupid at times sarcastic sense of humor has more than once lightened a otherwise depressed friend. Im at least good for something other than taking up space....good to know....

.......I wanted to say something here. Im unable to do that. I dont have the gift for words some do, or the ability to make them work together. Sometimes when I read something especially deep, or moving, I am inspired to do the same. Then I try, and fail in the attempt. Saying the wrong thing, is worse than saying nothing at all. A lesson I have failed to see many times. This isnt directed towards anyone, but Myself. A look within to the person I claim to be. Sometimes, I think by saying something, it will make things better, when reality proves it to not be the case. Good intiative, poor judgement as a officer once told me years ago. To make a valiant effort, and still fail because I rushed into something, without really thinking it through completly. In My efforts to better things I see around Me, I put people in embarrassing, and uncomfortable positions. It isnt assumption, its taking inititative for something I have no control over. Im bad at it. Its a fault Ive noted in Myself for a while now. And Im sick of it.

Im easy to please, compared to some. Why I even put thought into such a issue is unknown, but I find Myself questioning diffrent aspects of My life from time to time, and this is one of the most common. What do I really look for in people, as a whole? Friends, loved ones, aquainttances......what are the things I need to see in people to let them closer to Me. Well, most of its common sense. I wont get into it, or why in the hell I even brought it up, as Iam most likely rambling again anyway.

I want to just play with My toys, and let the world pass me some days. other times, I want to actually leave a mark on those who pass me. I had a waking dream last night. Like a daydream, but I actually go into a trance when I dream like this, I hypnotize Myself....and drift away, oblivious to the outside world, and this is the place My wants and desires get played out so vividly. I can see every detail perfectly, down to the smallest details, and remember them just as clearly. REm sleep, while being awake. I also do it while driving. Think about other things, and still make it to My destination in one piece, its amazing.

I drempt I was speaking in front of an audience, at a major university. Yale. Why I chose Yale? Good question. I was paid to speak to this group, this body of professors, students, and faculty. The topic? Philosophy, and the dominant viewpoint. It was to be a morals and ethics discussion. I fielded every variety of question you could imagine, and gave what I thought were valid, and logical views to those objections, from feminists, and conservative thinkers. I know I smiled as I dreamt. having changed views, and opened minds. I would rather win respect, than money for My efforts in anything in life. For when I die money will be meaningless, but the view people have of Me in life...will carry on. That to Me is the greatest thing I can win. of course I also dressed the part, walked the part, and spoke the part I intended to show them. I dreamt this in real time, full detail with perfect recall. I think the ability to do that is a gift. To be able to see things, I "might" accomplish, is amazing. This was just one of many dreams I see, or possible futures I dream for Myself. With each changing moment, My dreams change. With each mistake I make, also changes those possibilties. In any case.....sometimes I amze Myself, other times....dissapoint.

I want to make a diffrence....somewhere...somehow. I just dont know exactly what that will be.

I read someone elses diary entries, and I see something hidden in the vagueness. Hinting, and I dont like it. Not that its Mine to deal with, but insults, and flattery dont go together. To pretend they do is wrong. Drama is where you find it, but dont create it. I know Im not helping things....but Im stupid enough to mention them anyway.I think Ive said enough for one day........more than enough....