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11:56 p.m. - 2003-10-29

I am sick today.

Ive been sick the past few days, but today was the worst in a long time. I stayed at work long enough for someone to come in and cover My department. if I feel better tomorrow I will go to work, if not, call in. Spoke to little hypo today. She was worried about Me. Wondering why I wasnt online, how could she know I was curled in bed dying silently, drifting off into a troubled sleep with tainted dreams. I like having someone worry about Me. Its a connection I love, and long for. For someone to take care of me, when I cant care for Myself. Even the strong fall sometimes. As silly as it sounds, sometimes I need to be cared for. Its comforting, reassuring.

I called her, so she wouldnt worry, and I felt better.

My sister made Me chicken noodle soup, and tea, and watched movies with Me. She can be sweet when she wants to be. And she wants to meet krystal, even asked to be her pen pal. (enter awwww's here)

We watched Donnie Darko. Somehow I knew she would love Donnie by the end, and I was right. Hypo, made me see it too, and its a touching movie, that someone would sacrifice so much, and no one knows they did. its as noble a gesture as anyone could do. To love someone more than yourself, to give as he did, despite it being a movie. Thats how I am, deep inside. Giving, but afraid of being alone. Where Im taking this I dont know, I just needed to vent a little.

Despite the miles, I hope you can feel Me close.

My .45 smells good. Not an oily smell. Sort of a spent gunpowder/leather smell. Few if any could appreciate something like that. I know she could, and does....and thats what makes her so special. Godnight, krystal girl.....I will see you soon.

<3

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