My desk drawer is in bad shape, it was put together with some sort of wood staples way back when, and when I say that Im talking 15+ years. Im attempting a reconstruction job on it, things are slow going, and pretty shitty. I dont have all the tools or materials I need, but Im improvising, so it will be the best damn toaster oven when Im done. o_O

There are no rules to how to let people forget who you are. Someone wants to forget Me. It just seems so, so.....bitter. Cold. Its not fair.

The odd thing is there is no blame to lay. At least thats what Im told. But to lose such a friend, hurts really badly. Im not going to hide it, or lie. It does. All the whatifs running through My head, all the whys, or hows, the possible untold truths which led things down the path they took. Random chance. "The World (a gaglillion) Ghost (zero, again)" I lose more than I gain from anything, so its a fair bet whenever I set out on a new venture Im already screwed so I shouldnt have to worry wether or not it will makes sense or even see fruitition.

My fingers smell like burnt wood.

I used a dremel, which cooked the wood, and a miracle blade. Both sucked moose cock. And its such a small piece of moulding and there isnt a saw in sight, dammit.

Missing you.

I did in fact go shooting the other night, and shot the .22 for the first time, Im such a recoil whore that I had to purchase some .357 loads to just make Me feel better. That day sucked....bad.

Yesterday at work I was like a fifth wheel, so I went to work in the tech center building bikes. The time passed quickly and I had a somewhat satisfying day. It can get lonely when no one talks to you. Even in Alt, there was too much going on and I was merely an observer. Some friends were there, but were to engrossed in their discussions to be concerend wether or not I was amused. Its harder than people realize to seem at peace. To appear like nothings wrong, and Im needy right then. A needy Master, not too far from the truth anyway because there is an element of selfishness to being a Dominant. But it is a lonely life. At least for Me with no one around. My only contact with others is at work and they arent totally up to speed on My chosen extracurricular activities or hobbies. Sometimes I get sick of people telling Me I will find My place. Go out and make it happen. Its ALWAYS easier said than done. Personalities are a unknown factor when intermingling with the outside world. Diffrences in ideas, opinion and practices. Most clubs cater to the Dom/me, not the Gorean. We are still outcasts, and I dont mean dressing up in fictitious costume, prancing around and speaking like idiots. A place where I can indulge My desires, and interact with like minded people. It may never happen, because Gor is such a misunderstood, and misinterpreted lifestyle, that there might be too many hardcore players who require utter obedience to their version of the truth, it takes the essence away. I dont live life reading from a script others have written. I lead it My way, unscripted. So I may never find My "place" but I know what My place "should" be.

Ok, so Im pretty needy right now. Is it wrong to wish people would talk to Me? Want Me near them? Is it wrong to love Me? *long pause* Selfish emotions, should never be weighed against one another, and I wont do it now. There is no right and wrong here. Why someone would befriend Me, only to let it slip away after so long, or a loved one to suddenly get 'cold feet". Its happened before, and most certainly will happen again. I just wish I knew "why" it happens. So I could fix whatever it is I broke in the first place.

So today I venture out, needy, slightly pissed at the financial world again, alone and needing to be held. Maybe I will practice martial arts on a co worker again.