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1:12 p.m. - 2003-07-05

the road to hell was paved with good intentions.

All too often I find Myself putting My foot in My mouth. I somehow imagine in My head things will play out the way I invision them. And this isnt the first time its happened. Many, many times now I have done this. Said things I thought would be helpful, thoughtful, maybe even beneficial......and its the exact opposite. Things actually get worse by My offers of (insert kind deed here) and communication breaks down. Misunderstandings occur, and I end up prostrating for forgiveness. Not very Masculine is it. Despite My unselfish behavior around those Im close to.....I also feel the sadist in Me rearing up to telol any who challenge...fuck off. And that ugly bastard says the exact opposite of how I am feeling usually. Unless of course Im visibly upset.

My first fiancee.... was a troubled little girl. ABused her whole life. Molested by all the step father her mother dragged home. Raped and betrayed. I thought by being nice to her.....I could make her see not all men have to be abusive. She ended up cheating on Me, and saying it was because I was too nice. Strike one.

Another woman, her name Kat ran before we were too serious. She knew of My ex and didnt want to hurt Me as she did. I miss her. Strike two.

Then My latest ex...the one I dont discuss very often. I was to be married July 12th, 2002. Today is her birthday. July 9th is My first exes birthday. This is a very hard time for Me. She decided to run from Me a few weeks before I was to move from NY, to CA to live with her. I had left everything, broken all ties to change My life to care for her. Her leaving, like all the others is what sent Me to the hospital. The ward. Strike three.

Every significant other I have ever had has ran from Me, for various reasons. I have since then, changed inside. I know ive discussed this before so Im not repeating Myself. Its hard to be what I am, and still maintain the parts of me that care about anyone else. Blaming Myself for all the things gone wrong in My life was a problem I had to overcome. One thing I havent been able to succeed in is knowing when to leave well enough alone. To not try and help. Well....I am quite stubborn, and its a hard thing to learn. All I can do is hope those around Me can understand the things I do better than I can. I know, a hard thing......and rather impossible.....but I can hope.

I need to go to work now.

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