I went in for My first appointment about My neck. Its the one where I hurt it pulling the sleds of weight from the store room to the front. All 3 or 4 thousand pounds of them. Each. Well when I met "My" doctor.....he was quite talkitive. Just not about My neck. World politics, terrorism, social issues. Not My neck, the reason he is getting paid. I dont attribute it to him being Jewish. I dont stereotype like that, but I usually find its the more intellectual ones who talk the most. As the session progressed he would cut Me off from explaining what happened to questions about My families history. I wanted to smack him for interrupting all those times. Its My appointment, shut up and listen.

Anyways, they set Me up for some sort of "therapy" where one of the attendants warps My neck in hot towels and hooks up some nifty electrodes (read: I hate shocks ) and procceds to ask Me "when" like Im ordering coffee. Now bitch as the muscles in My neck jumped I told her tone it down. Well after the session I actually felt worse. And it stayed with Me all day. I was actually in more pain after treatment than before. What the fuck.

Before I left he asked Me if i wanted accupuncture too. Hmmmm. No. Why stick needles all over when the first treatment fucks Me up more. But I do need an MRI, or some kind of a CAT scan to find out what the hells wrong. But it needs approval first. I hope the wait isnt too long.

Today was a dragged out humid hell. And My neck was being a literal pain. Work is a constant reminder I need the money, so dealing with crap should be a normal occurance by now. It just means I dont have to like it, just take it.

Today also was a day of reflection for Me. I actually made the attempt at loooking ahead, and making plans. Something I dont like to do because they hardly ever come to fruitition. I surprized Myself. The doctor with diarrhea of the lips made on good point, a point I keep denying to Myself. When a stranger makes these notations about Me I take notice. He said I was insightful, intelligent, and highly observant. He forgot sadistic and stubborn. But I didnt show that part of My personality, or give away that I lead a M/s lifestyle. That would have flipped his lid. But the comment made sense. I am better than I believe I am. And it isnt that I dont have any confidence, but I purposely keep Myself grounded, humble. For the fall from the pillar some put themselves on is a long fall indeed. Im already there, so I can only climb. Of course the ideas he gave were not what I would choose to do with My life. Something about foriegn service to the UN or some thing. I want to live life, My way. This doesnt mean I dont think about the world around Me, but more importantly My role in it. The big picture. I am certain, I want to grow in My life as a Dominant, Master, and man. Its something which has laid dormant for so long and Im just beginning to let it out, gradually. I cant be concerned with things I have no control over. And I dont want to get inbetween people and a holy war of cultural history. SOme wars will never end. I cant waste My life fighting a losing battle and forget Myself. I only have one life to live. To make My mark on life. Maybe to have a family. All those other things are not forgotten, just prioritized. I know what should come first to Me. The world is full of crusaders. Often I used to feel I was one.....destined to wage battles of import all over. Strangely that has went away to some degree, and now I want to focus on more realistic goals. To make promises to Myself and keep them. That makes Me feel good. And I think thats the direction Im going to go.

So many ideas forming, possibilties. Wether I make those journies alone or not.....I will try to always do what I want on My terms. Society has a plan for people who simply follow the crowd. Ive tried conventional life and it isnt for Me. People are often shocked when I tell them of the things I do, the way I think, and how I look at the world around Me. I am an all encompassing thinker. And I see the way things tie together. How one idea can relate to another, and how each affects the latter. It might sound silly, but I think many people forget each little thing affects the other. It can be as simple as what shirt you wear that day, and the comments people make, or what it does to others around you. The type of perfume a woman wears. What you eat, and how its cooked. Each little thing changes your little corner of the universe, and that in turn affects the bigger part of your world. OOOO......deep. Seriously.... that is how I see the world around Me. Looking in from the outside, how people see Me. Of course My view is skewed anyway. But Im starting to learn kinda.....that its all in My head, so people say. Guess we will see......