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10:56 p.m. - 2003-06-21

We buried My aunt today. It was raining.

And I spent a good portion of the day in tears. Missing the two days prior to the burial at the wakes took its toll. Her being gone, and I mean feeling the loss hit Me when I saw her lying there, small tokens left by others in her casket. Then I couldnt hold back. I cried, silently, to Myself, and alone. Remembering how I remembered her all My years..... every card....gift she would give. She was a constant in My life, something I knew would never quit. A little part of Me, died with her. I took her love and being there for granted, and it hurts. I cant stop My voice from gurgling, or My throat from closing when I speak of her. I get all choked up, and the tears come even in simple conversation. Unlike other times I went to funerals, this was a first....where I didnt grieve before the wake, or the funeral. So I wasnt ready, and I quite dont know how to express all the feelings I have inside. Next to My grandparents, she was My closest relative to pass on. One you never even think of being without. Oh not them, they will always be there. *sigh*

Bought some more fishing stuff. Im excited about it too. I went fishing again for the first time in almost 15 years this week. And its something I had in common with My dad. So Im doing it for him, and Myself. My aunt dying, and this past fathers day not with My dad hit home. I cant let precious moments pass not enjoying My family. because I will regret those times I could have been there, and wasnt.

My neck hurts. Something tells Me that I "pulled" something on the right side of My neck recently, lifting, dragging, or pulling heavy sleds full of weight. Sometimes just turning My neck now makes one place on My neck "pop" and the pain starts......and lingers as a dull fire like burning pain. Or reaching with My right arm. Its bad, and I am going to report it. Maybe I will need surgery. Amputation.....from the neck down......

Im really tired....with the wakes on My mind, work obligations, and no sleep the last three nights, and then the funeral, AND working right after....Im burnt out. Emotionally, and physically. My brain isnnt doing all that well either. Every thought races through My mind, it either makes tears fall, My stomach to turn, or My head to hurt. I need a vacation, from life. I just dont know.....

Other than all that crap, life is progressing right along like a slug on valium, then reality proves it to be the energizer bunny mainlining speed. And I would give anything for a back rub...........

Arent I the prize.....

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