Then I went to work, and I somehow (I know how) hurt My shoulder. Now Im paying for it, as it throbs. But when I thought My night complete, a co workers car had been broken into, and his stereo ripped out, and stolen. I was parked 2 spots over from him, and rushed to My car and sighed relief. All intact. Still, I felt bad for him, it shouldnt happen. But it does.

The usual normalcy people experience is still upsetting to Me when I see it. And I get pissed. And I dont think its fair that I do, I blame Myself. I should be happy for people, wish them luck, but secretly.... I want them to hurt. I get jealous all over again. Its a vicious cycle......and I need it to stop. But due to things out of My immediate control, Im forced to endure it. And why am I listening to music I know will make me break down......

why do people shy away from Me....

they wont look Me in the eye....

They subtly ignore Me......

Life is slowly but persistantly passing Me by. Each day that passes, is one less day I have to regain all that I have never had. I cant just go out and get it. it doesnt work that way..... Im just forgotten.

I refuse to be shallow, trolling like all the rest.

All that I am, and all that I want....conflicts inside Me. I close Myself of from people, to be more than just a man, sacrificing that part of Myself, to fullfill a more important purpose. Is it wrong to want to be both? How often I write here, how miserable I am, hurting, and burnt. But I hardly ever write of the things which also give My life meaning. Things which I feel pride for. I am stronger than I realize. Circumstance and events have made Me who I am now.

It is times like this, I remember why I am alone. How I came to be what I am today. I was naive, trusting, and innocent because I had shut Myself away from the world. Even despite emotional and mental scarring, I was unprotected from feelings I never had before. The cruelty of others, lies, deciet, and the like, were the fuel which made a fire deep in side Me awaken. And what I might say now I may regret later. But I have already chosen to speak. My interests in Gor were simple curiousity at first. The first impressions were lasting, and I thought it barbaric....

Over time it grew in Me, and I identified with it. I sought things many felt frightening, harsh, arrogant. I embraced the darker things many would rather forget, or write off as inhumane.

My name is Patrick. I am 28 yrs old. I live in NY. I am a Master, and trainer of slaves.

It sounds funny. Surreal. Not something you woulod hear in everyday discussion. And I dont bring it up either, as most wouldnt understand, couldnt understand, or it would drive Me further from being associated with My peers. Or My family. But I still do it, online, phone, and real life when the oppertunity appears.