I was feeling down last night. Woke up kindof numb. I have been thinking how secluded from life I have been, and the things I have missed out on. So many people whine and complain about things Ive never done before....they make them sound like a chore. For instance....going out with friends regularly. I dont get to do that, but for some reason they roll thier eyes, and complain that they always go out. Dammit, trade with Me.

I dont know how today will be...I have a sinking feeling in My stomach so far, and it isnt hunger. I still have to shower and stuff before I head out. A saving grace is, I dont mind going to work, I like the people there so the interaction is a welcome diversion. AND I get paid. I have to make some phonecalls too, some important ones. We will see what happens, but Im sure to get an ulcer from it. A nice open festering sore in the stomach, so I can cuddle up with My pillow tonite and let it keep Me awake all night. Yay for Me and My stress.

Im still waiting to go shooting, the one thing I have left which garuntees at least a smile on My face. The notion that if someone tells Me a joke, and it is even remotely funny, will cheer Me up....is a long shot. A seconds laughter, doesnt make me forget My problems. They are way too optimistic, and dont understand that I for all Mt faults, still dwell on things which are hard to control. But the attempts are still appreciated, I just hope they dont take it personally.

Just thinking about things makes My stomach turn. But I cant ignore things......or I will only hurt Myself. So Im forced to give Myself an ulcer.....how nice. people make things sound soooooo easy, like they are some kind of expert. Do this, or do that...no problem. Shut the hell up. No it isnt simple, there are always complications, or red tape. Then they look at Me funny because I wont take thier "wonder advice" to heart. Excuse Me for actually thinking it through and shooting you down. But I think I should know My limitations, and not stab in the dark without a fallback plan. I would hate to be like you in the first place.

Im quite sure none of this makes any sense. Its My naive thinking, clueless rantings, and stubborn attitude shining through in My minds eye. Why I even make excuses for what Im writing, I dont understand, because I do it when Im speaking also. All the shrek talk, really does happen. Wonder what people would say if they really met Me in real life sometimes. Either the shock of realization would hit them, or this visual in their mind a impression burned into thier mind would be shattered by the truth. As honest as Ive been, the truths I have toild, have been shot down. Im liked for who I am its said. Why dont I believe it? Maybe.......its because reality has proven My thoery correct. And I dont wont to ruin peoples perceptions of Me, I wont be able to meet the expectations they have set. Im far from fabulous, handsome, charming or witty. I generally act silly, which has been for me a defense mechanism I use to take the heat from me and dissipate it away. But even then I get looks.....as I say the strangest things. A quick example is when I mentioned to several in the break room at work, how if the jock strap and the sports bra were not invented, we wouldnt have a job, so I said praise them both, and of course the laughs, or shaking of the heads I get in return made Me feel instantly embarrassed as I thought I went too far for a laugh. What do they think of Me now, yes Im paranoid fuck off.