Why am I posting at after 1am? I have no clue, I just found Myself here, for no other reason then maybe I was going to pull another literary work of art out of this pile of goo I call a brain. Somehow I feel I will never ever be able to regain the thread of genius which produced the Gummi Bear tale. So Im sitting here, listening to cheesy music, drinking soda, and wondering why Im such a retard. Hmmm, life is full or ironys.....Im just happen to be one of them.

Things I see on My desk:

A gift from a friend, one I miss and only had the oppertunity to see for one day. Its a dragon figurine, with a egg and a baby dragon. *pets them both*

Bottle of Drakkar Noir, in case I dont want to stink out co workers.

My lamp, duh...

The laptop, without which I would be a lifeless slug.

nearly empty bottle of Smirnoff Ice.

Web cam....no peeking o_O

My cell phone....and a stack of mini discs.

My watch...

other crap that will remain nameless *blushes*

I suck.....

Why Im not asleep yet when I need to be awake by 5am:

Ummm..... could be idle hands. Could be I stayed up the past few nights, and I cant sleep. Maybe I need to jerk off and havent gotten around to doing it yet. Pulling off a memorable masterbation session takes planning, and ummmm.....ok ...Im stalling. Listening to music, thinking of things, people, and scenarios in My head. There are so many things I want, need and desire. There is a good chance Im just afraid. Hiding how I feel, and not saying things I want to say. Im not always this vague, but its a defense mechanism Ive developed over time. Playing My hand too soon, so I hide things. I probably sound like such a weenie, or soft when in fact I know Im stronger than this. But we all still have that secret place, where we dream, yearn and hope for something. Am I on the verge? I dont know.

I confuse Myself. Maybe I play too hard to get. maybe I run from anybody and everything risky. Risky......where the think being risked is My heart. Again. It invades My dreams, keeping me awake nights, playing out in My mind what could be, teasing Me into going that extra step. Embarrassing Myself.

I can taste the kiss on My lips. Feel breath on My neck, skin on My skin.