I have so many issues deep inside My mind. of which most will never be resolved, or brought to trail in My heart. I am far too bitter a man, jaded by life, and how its chosen to treat Me all these years. I can ask Myself why for the rest of My life, and never get an answer. Verbal abuse, sarcastic behavior towards Me. Girls with the cruelest of intentions, to try and make Me believe they were being sincere, and when I didnt take the bait, spread lies and rumors. I am the bastard child of society. A charred spirit. Burnt with no apparent hope of renewal. My innocence, and happiness stolen from me many years ago. All because I was diffrent. My way didnt appeal to thier standards. Always the outcast, special in that I was diffrent from anyone I knew. Segregated by society. Poor. Homeless. Alone. Why am I even trying to explain this now. What diffrence could it possibly make? Remember that deep pit of hell.....well Im there still, looking up, with no light in sight now. Its as if I have accepted, I will never be loved by anyone. My wounds are far too deep to forget, and Im too stubborn, and defensive to open Myself up. In short, Ive garunteed My future, sealed My fate in this pit of loneliness. This is My new home. Forward all mail to this address.

Compliments, praises, well wishes. They all seem hollow to Me, like it was a mistake I even recieved them. Flattery is the worst of them. Knowing I can never live up to the expectations people have given Me. Im ashamed of it all. I try and tell the truth, but they never listen. They dont believe Me. So I feel like a liar, even if no one else thinks so. It has been mentioned, no one will love you, till you love yourself. This being true, there will never be anything to justify change, or any attempt to see Myself in any diffrent a way. There is no reward. No payoff. I would have scarificed all for nothing.

I care, and I dont care. I want people to love Me, but dont expect them to either. A vicious cycle of denial, and pessimistic thinking. Craving what others take for granted. Never tasting it. Bitter. Jaded. Stubborn. Rigid. I am My own worst enemy because Im so afraid of letting someone care, I push them away. Then I justify such action with old hurt. I know what is wrong. But I am powerless to change what has been My entire life, a path of lies, deciet, and betrayal along the way. I dont know how to live, or think diffrently. No one would make the attempt to chage how I am. the risk is too high, the gains too doubtful.....