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12:11 a.m. - 2003-05-17

I hate being the nice one. I hate being the one to see others happy. I hate being alone. I hate seeing others happy when Im fucking miserable. See a pattern?

This will be a whine and bitch session, why? Because I need to vent. its eating Me alive inside. There are so many things keeping Me from having one of My own. Distance (mainly) My apparent lack of faith in Myself, or other things. Smart, funny, loyal, and in most cases beautiful. And they slip through My fingers like sand. What the hell am I doing wrong? I could kidnap one in particular, but there are difficulties in doing so. One of My exes, who dumped me cold is hinting things, and old feelings die hard, but it hurts mostly. I just want someone to love Me dammit. Tell Me Im not some screwup, and I matter. Hold me till I fall asleep. WHY cant I have one???? Fuckity-fuck-fuck. I really hate to curse. I only do it when frustrated and My eyes want to fly out of My head, and I want to kill something.

Its been sooo long. I believe what people tell Me, and I still dont have one. Its torture.....it really hurts diary. If I dont deserve to be loved say so now, Im sick of this. No hugs, no cuddling, no I love you. Ugly men need love too. For the love of man, I dont ask much. A small pair of arms, a little face, and eyes...to look at Me, smile and I can feel good about Myself. Thats all.......thats all I ever wanted. And so far everytime I have tasted it, it was a lie. How much does a man need to endure? Why do I have to see everyone else happy.... they take the ones in thier life for granted, cheat on them, break thier hearts. Me, the damn sadist knows better than to do that, yet Im alone. Fuck.

Im 6ft 2 inch. Just under 300lbs. I have a 19 inch neck, 17 inch arms, broad shoulders, and can fill a doorway. Blond hair, eyes like the ocean after a storm, deep blue steel. I am 28 yrs old. Ive been a Marine, a caregiver for the retarded, and a salesman. I was almost a daddy. Im not perfect, Im not handsome. Im just Me. Does anyone want Me?

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