Ok, new day.

Had a relapse of depression yesterday, not good at all. Often when I do I am unpredictable. Which by its very meaning isnt a good thing for Me to be. Bad dreams again, what else is new. Mom is still in the hospital, dont know when she will come home. And all the little things, are eating away at the lining of My stomach. By little things I mean all My little worries, are knawing at Me and Im not feeling all that well. Listening to KMFDM, trying to focus everything. Music does that for Me, brings things into focus.....just dont know why it does, its like mental/emotional energy.

*listens to a song*

"caged optimism, hidden potential"

I spend so much time thinking how people will hate me, find me revolting that I allow Myself to stay in a state of denial, and I get nothing done. Im being who I know I can be. We see ourselves doing great things in our dreams, and they nevber come to fruitition. We fail ourselves before we even try.... out of procrastination, laziness or fear. The possibilities stay out of reach when we fail to become all that we can be. (knows this is a self portrait he is painting)

*listens to another song*

We all have a picture, in our minds how we want to be seen. A secret self we never tell or speak of. SOme of these views, are either attainable goals, or fantasy ones. How rare is it to see someone who has accomplished both? My vision of Myself, is attainable, but to do so might alienate anyone I ever cared for. So I am afraid of it. maybe thats a sign.