I spent the entire day yesterday rearranging furniture, clearing away unimportant papers and of course other tasks. I was feeling pretty lousy too, think I might be coming down with a virus or flu. Something about digging through old files, and drawers is you find all the stuff you were missing all year long. Except your mind.

Im going to add this thought here, its something that came to Me when I was starting to wake up and think somewhat rationally again. When does roleplaying not become roleplay anymore? It was a series of thoughtful questions I asked Myself, looking for a logical answer. Not knowing where these questions came from, especially while Im still half asleep...I answered them anyway, and upon waking realised they were in fact relevant after all.

Consider this example, a married couple sometimes on weekends like to dress up in costumes, and fantasize to "liven" up thier sex life. Roleplaying correct? Now take the same couple, but no costumes are involved and the man in the relationship gets unusually bold and demands something, not taking no for an answer. Still roleplay? I dont think so. When behavior contrary to playtime is used out of the bedroom, and becomes part of the personality, how can we still catagorize that as roleplaying.

There are parts of My personality which have always been in Me, laying dormant. But once awoken, they arent just fetishes anymore, they become major factors in My interactions with others. That is how I feel about My place in a lifestyle I have chosen as My own. Wether people can recognize this is not really My problem, for I can only be who I am. Why do I even try to explain this? Well its My diary....and writing how I feel, how I think, and why I act the way I do is the best why I can convey who I am. Looking back Myself after writing what I do is sometimes a surprize even to Me. Because I write exactly how I think in My head. I rarely ever correct spelling. The fingers are slower than the mind and on occasion I will make a mistake. But this diary is as real as I can make it, no embellishment, no bullshit.

I wont hide Myself any more.....Ive spent My whole life doing just that, afraid of what people might think of Me. It isnt that I dont care, I do.......its just I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. making the right choices, and being true to Myself will garuntee I cant be mistaken for a fake in life. Now its up to the rest of the world to do the same. Hope this made some sense.....