There is something to be said about people who are homeless. I have discussed it before, just forget which details Ive mentioned. But all circumstances aside, there are things about being homeless, on welfare which people dont get to see. The struggles, the sacrificing to try and get ahead (or to survive actually) in a system which is one of the most abused in the world.

My family became homeless when My father being hurt on the job, was unable to continue his job and was promtply laid off. A new home not paid for was repossessed, and we found ourselves on the street. Literally. We were sleeping in the family car. With the clothes on our back, and what few possessions we were allowed to bring. The rest was put into "storage" a magical place all My toys and belongings went, paid for by welfare. Sounds great right? I will explain that later...

As a member of the welfare state, you are automatically looked down upon as substandard. A burden. Why couldnt we pull our own weight. Scorned, we think even by family. I had wealthy relatives, but no sanctuary was ever offered. I still dont know why.

Food vouchers, used in supermarkets to obtain food for 3 kids and a pregnant wife, it also points you out as a "poor person". Everyday My father would have to stand in a line, while we sit in the car waiting to see if they would find us some temporary shelter to stay in. Usually it was some small, dirty motel you would picture in a slum somewhere. Having been raised thus far in a clean, middleclass neighborhood, it came as quite the shock to be offered rooms in such ruin, they were unfit for any living thing. One in particular comes to mind.....

Star Lite Motel:

as the door was opened to the room the flies came out in large droves, and then the smell hit you. The walls, matresses (bare) floor, and furniture in this small two bed room were covered in shit. It also appeared as if someone pissed all over everything. We were told take it or leave it. We slept in the car again. But this is what was expected of us. I wont mention your tax dollars were paid to the owner of said motel regardless if we slept there or not, and they didnt deserve a cent.

So, food vouchers, cold, and sitting in a car, or motel room simply waiting to be told where we can go. No work, no home, just waiting. Day after day. Occasionally other poor kids would be nearby and you had someone to talk to at least. Someone you didnt have to be ashamed to speak with, to share with. But irony rears its head again and points out all too often I was one of the only kids I knew who actually wasnt a trouble maker, or someone who would steal your shoes.

I went to four diffrent elemetary schools for 4th grade alone. This was when we were living in "emergency housing" units. Sometimes motels, some were small cottages somewhere designated as shelters for homeless "families" as in parents with children. Most families are only allowed to stay for 90 days max. Three months, it can be a lonely time for a child always moving. Never having a place to call home. My shelter was My family. But once they tried to take that away as well. The welfare "social workers" reccommended My parents either give us up for adoption, or put us in foster care so they could make a life for themselves. My parents refused, bless their souls. They actually had to fight to keep us together. Yeah, I was loved. That was the only thing keeping Me sane.

Imagine being the only poor kid in a school for the rich and priviledged. Fifth grade. Hampton Bays Elementary school. For anyone who doesnt know, The Hamptons is the LA/Hollywood hills of NY. The kids in this school get it all. Where else can a fifth grader get snack, then nap time? Hard to blend in wearing rags, but it was close to the shelter, so I had to go. Needless to say I didnt fit in.

Within weeks, to months I was at odds with everyone in My class. There didnt need to be a sign pointing to Me, I was indeed the outcast, the unwelcomed addition who didnt belong. I fucking hated everyone of them. Arrogant assholes. The teacher was no better.

In between shelters we did manage to squeeze into a low cost house here and there and I entered the school district which I would graduate from, amidst trials and sacrifices to do so. We would keep the house for a year or so, and the landlord would raise the rent, and welfare (who pays most of it) wouldnt cover the cost, so guess what, on the street again.

The first thing on peoples minds is this: Why dont we get a better job to pay for all this, AND why didnt My mom get a job? Simple:

My mom had just given birth to My youngest sister, so she had to watch 4 kids all under the age of 8. Second she didnt drive, and had a heart condition which made it impossible for her to get a job (seriously). And which leads us to a key thing about the way welfare works. If for some reason, a member who is under the welfare system gets a better paying job, a few things happen. First, the money earned is totaled, and that much benifits that that family recieved are cut back. Its sort of like a even trade, right? Wrong.

Then that family is expected to pay back all the benifits recieved during thier time in welfare. Say what?

No, I didnt stutter.

Hospital bills for My dads injuries, My moms stay when she gave birth to My sister, all would have to be paid back. Having a better paying job only means you are completely cut off from any benifits, to include medical, and food, and shelter. Your on your own, with depts you cant cover.

Lets say for example a family who has been on welfare, miraculously wins the lottery.........know where this is going?

All winnings become property of the state.

Think Im kidding......I dare you....

Welfare is a losing situation. You are kept on welfare, or fear of being completely without any assistance. Even when hardworking people try and get off, they are stepped on, so where is the end of this cycle?

My family has been poor for most of My life. Recently they were taken off food stamps, and other assistance. The only assistance now is medical coverage. Its been over 20 years. They are still poor, and in debt, and My parents wont get a retirement. They will die in debt, and there will be no break for them. This hurts Me deeply. I love My parents. And I cant even save them from this nightmare as Im in a hole of My own. Where we do live is one of the most expensive in the US. I need to leave NY to try and survive. But that also means leaving them and possibly being too far away to help if they should need it. My dad has a bad heart now, and diabeties. Mom has a bad heart. Im scared Im going to lose them both. I cant afford to care for Myself as I should, let alone them.

Words cant express the shame I felt growing up. Needing handouts. Being the one recieving the church donated canned food. I had it better than some, as I didnt live in a box, but somedays I envied their freedom. Their invisibility. I was the burden. The one needing the handouts.

A kid cant feel normal when everyone hates him.